Why are you so frustrated about yourself?

I know. because you don't live your life, you have always lived other's and that's the reason you don't recognize yourself when you see yourself in the mirror. you want what you don't have and you don't value what you already have. you are never content, you want more! you lust for boys, for love, for popularity!attention! You DON'T love YOURSELF! and that's the reason you can't give love to anyone and they think the love they are getting from you is real. They don't know how much effort you are putting in that fake love. No one can make you understand. Unless you realize your own worth and i don't know how much time it would take. You are lost in your own confusion. that's why you always listen to music. You are an escapist! A coward! 

Am i right? I know i am..

RUNAWAY

there is that feeling when you want to run away, when you want to be alone- just you and the air nothing else.
away from the horrible talks about you, away from the rules of do,s and don'ts, away from the feeling of I-AM-FED-UP.
you want to go to a place of your own where your heart is at ease, where its free like a bird, where your mind feels a little lighter and when you find it the place is yours, solely yours!

ENNUI

eyes sad as a withered rose
the face- drained of the expressions
could there be a greater dilemma?
or was it just a phase?

difficult to hold back the tears,
choking inside along the pent up emotions.
the body set ablaze with agony,
turning the feelings to ashes.

never felt so helpless, alone
with a burden heavier than guilt!
desperate for a way out
in the confinement of my insecurities.

sorrowful days, under cruel eyes
my heart aching to be free
awaiting a rare miracle, if not,
then follow the fate of my destiny!

I still haven't arrived on a suitable title for this poem.. it got me a whole 1 and half hour( i guess) to complete this. so here it goes..

was i that naive
that the deception was not enough
and my heart had to break into countless pieces?

was i that blind
when your promising eyes
allured me, i failed
to see the hatred in them?

was i that deluded
that your truthful lies
were the beautiful things
i loved to believe in?

was i that deprived
that your fake love
was all i wanted
in the story of my life?

the painful blows
showered by your masquerade
were veiled by love
and tethered with false faith

till the truth dawned, unveiling
the impact of your blows
- shattering they were
and got me suffering all way along!

THE WORST OF ME!

Here i go again counting all my flaws back.

i hate it that i suck at conversations
i hate it when i'm never able to decide anything for myself..
i hate it when i depend on others for my decisions and when they already decide i dont like it and end up their way..
i hate it when i always try to be more like someone else and less of being myself..
i hate it when i realise that i'm trying to show off infront of someone less privileged than myself..
i hate it that every time i try to get determined, i fail..
i hate it that i have to fake being so good
i hate it that i'm never straightforward
i hate it when i know that sometimes i end up being so filmy
i hate it that i never enjoy my present, think about my future and ruin both of them..
i hate it that i have to tell lies..
i hate that my hair is so rough and damaged that not even the best shampoos or oil or any remedy is able to treat them..
i hate than i'm never able to change this worst part of me!

jealousy redefined (for me atleast)

 The fundamental definition that we all know is that JEALOUSY is an emotion that typically refers to all the negative thoughts and feelings from insecurity, fear and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that a persong values a lot ( source: wikipedia)

My first memory of jealousy was when my little brother was just born. He was having mine and everyone's undivided attention all to himself !

As a girl my jealousy were limited to petty things like:
whoa! she is taller than me!

Her dress is prettier than mine and how come she has those beautiful pairs of stilletoes?

The common and universal one: The most beautiful factor!

And the ultimate: The love thing! Admit it. We all have felt jealous when our crush or boy/girlfriend gives the other guy/girl more attention!
These were all out of insecurity.

Well if you ask me now what i am jealous of : I can confidently say that its nothing!
I love my brother a lot! I do have a good height and its perfect for my type of build. So what if my dress is not pretty? I'm comfortable with it and it compliments me! I don't own those stilletoes but my footwear is as much pretty and comfortable! I am beautiful and who are they to judge? As long as I love myself I don't give a damn about what they say. About the love thing, no comments :p Well, in this case I can't ask you guys to not to get jealous. BUT! I can vouch that i'm not a single bit jealous in this case. Let them do what they want. If they truly care for you, their attention would be solely for you! No matter with whom they talk all the day, its you all over their mind!

Jealousy would help you rather you'll get more insecure. You'll end up hurting yourself and thats not good either. So stop worrying and stop getting jealous :) Everything will be alright if you believe in yourself.

 

 

 

zorro (the version that i love - arabic cartoon)

I was studying and humming a familiar tune alongside. I pondered a lot over it and realized it was my favourite tune during childhood. The opening track of Zorro!
Since I was a kid I never failed to miss the "JUST KIDS" episode which used to start at 6:00 pm and continued for an hour (the programme has ended now). It used to show Zorro, Cinderella, Sandokan, Christopher Coloumbus and Simba ( which included some parts of The Tiger King) okay not altogether but yeah half an hour slot for any two series in combo.
But I personally liked Zorro. When the series started I used to get so excited. It used to start with Zorro's transformation to a Messiah to save the ones who needed help, never mind his actual dumb self - Diego! ( not actually dumb but he pretended so, afterall heroes wouldnt like their cover blown up) and his partner Chhota Zorro played by Bernard ( it sounds funny but that series was in Hindi hence chhota zorro) He was the most handsome cartoon character - black flowing cape, black hat, black jackets and black skin fitting jeans :p and a black mask! I would literally swoon as soon i saw him. I fell in love with him at first sight. I would eagerly wait for the clock to strike 6' and hop off to watch zorro. I still have a crush on him!
Each and everytime I saw him enter a scene on his white stallion clashing with those merciless and corrupt officials I was thrilled! And when a fight ended there used to be a "Z" marked on their clothes by Zorro's elegant sword! And this thing was always compulsory for a fatso official, Gonsalves ( he was a good character - a subordinate officer who had to obey his orders to attack zorro).
His girl in the series - Lolita, who loved Zorro but was unaware of the fact that Diego was Zorro himself. I seriously used to pray that Lolita gets to know this somehow and finally in the end Bernard told her  =)
Ah! Zorro. Had he been real other handsomes would have ceased to exist for me!

sumthing bit normal for me..

have you ever laid in your bed and just cried?
all because you think you are not good enough for anyone. you have counted all your flaws from head to toe, making yourself feel worse.
cried because of all the comments that people blurt out, actually hurts?
cried because your family is dysfunctional and never understands u? and they tell you to stop complaining because you have so much better than kids in Africa, even though they dont understand your life either.
you dont want to feel like an attention seeker and bottle yourself up infront of family and friends.
you have created this lying smile and people believe it
but then at night when you are alone in bed the girl who everyone thought was so happy is crying her broken heart out..

 

CORONA..

Look at yourself, staring as if reading something for the first time!
Yes, i am talking about you MONZTER!
Monzter.. hehe! Just beacuse you didn't want the MASTER prefix before your name and yeah thank you for providing me with the best nickname I could have got for you!
In everyone's life there is a person, that special one who simply means everything to them. Well.. for me you are that same person.

FLASHBACK: I get my mom's cell as udhaar and send my first text to you. You instantly reply and I sense that you want to chat (dangerous thing for me at that time). My conscious reflexes compell me to type a quick goodbye. From that day onwards our night chattin session started and how much I loved to blabber those rubbish and typical childish things to you and you would not mind a tiny bit.
Our football chats, craze for songs, your hate for my love - biology and my hate for your love - chemistry, movies, NV talks , not- to- forget "LINKIN PARK" and what not!  I would always wave you goodbye and I wonder why at first I didn't became a "parasite" for you (well I used to be bothersome). Lucky me!  Then came that sad phase.. the most horrible nightmare of my life where I was simply clueless. You held my hand and helped me to get over that horrendous thing! (AND FOR THAT ILL BE GRATEFUL TO YOU THROUGHOUT MY LIFE) .. I guess after then we became more closer. If there had to be a most priceless thing for me it's my inbox ( Ofcourse you are on the first, inbox comes second).. tagging each other in photos and creating a wonderful album! Each and everything of yours is just too precious for me.

For me your smile is everything, to see you in the morn, your infamous grin, your oscillating stature, your love for rainy seasons, your BEEPS.. too simple yet too good! Monzter! you amaze me in every possible way! You know what? You are truly a part of me. If I am poisoned you are my antidote! Numerous problems and with you around they go *PUFF*. See, you mean so much to me. And GOD! what will happen of me without you! ( The thought gives me shivers) I know you will always do that still once again I am saying : JUSt BE WITH ME, BECAUSE I CAN'T BEAR A SECOND WITHOUT YOU DUDE!

YOU MAKE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL
WHEN I HAVE NOTHING LFT TO PROVE
AND I CANT IMAGINE
HOW I MAKE IT THROUGH
COZ THERE'S NO ME WITHOUT YOU...

And now you are gone

A moment ago you were here and now you are not.
Was this destined to be, a preconceived plot,
a farewell kiss and some unsaid words
as you took flight, my migratory bird?
'We will stay in touch' you promised and i am sure
the day we hold hands again will i feel secure.
You acted brave and maintained your poise
and i had to be supportive, though did i have a choice?
Assurance is what my heart gets when left to ponder,
you up there. I know know why they say
"distance makes the heart grow fonder"

                                                        - Aaryan

(these are my favourite lines from my favourite book)

confusion..

I think i'm the most confused person. I literally dont know how I can go to my original self. At childhood I was the dumbest person on Earth but I evolved into a more smarter girl. But now when I think about me I have realised I dont know myself anymore, I am not the same as before and its frustrating. I end up getting into depression and feel insecure about myself. I dont know even if i was a good friend to all because I was always conserved. I have been faking a lot about myself and  I don't know how I used to be previously. I have lost myself and I don't think any one can help me.
I can't go on with that . I am trying but all my efforts are in vain. I am just tired of myself.


I look in the mirror
And see a girl standing
Her features, same as mine
Yet, i fail to recognise her.

She is more cherful and happy
While i stand here, depressed
She knows herself
Whereas i still wonder, who am i?

She has nothing to regret
Had her wishes fulfilled
And i'm so full of regrets,
that my wishes are dead.

The more i stare,
the more i'm jealous
so jealous that,
I want to rip myself apart.

I go wild
 pulling my hair,
shedding the tears
tired of the insecurities.

My heart burns
In those treacherous flames
it burns and burns
till there's nothing left.

 

yeah right! the best band - LINKIN PARK

Well of course many of you wont agree with that but, that doesn't stop me from saying that.

LINKIN PARK- the band which has always got something new in store for me ( also for those who are the biggest fans) I remember when i was first introduced to one of its song NUMB by one of my friends and i fell so in love with it. It still remains my favorite and I wont even get bored if i listen to it or any LP song infinite times. Numb was the first and foremost song that i laid my ears upon and right then  my craze was for TS songs ( and it still remains). Then gradually, i discovered many more songs, expecting them to be the same. but each and every song took me by surprise! yeah their genre is all the same but they continuously evolve their songs and themselves! 

After getting acquainted with this band, i felt more at ease. Whether i laugh, cry, get hysteric, whatsoever my mood is, the songs always have a calming effect on me! (Its a rock band and it has a calming effect on me :p)
And there is CHESTER BENNINGTON doing all sorts of crazy things on and off stage both! Jumping, Screaming, doing every possible weird thing! Chester is both an angel and a monster and me (who has no interest in raps) only listen to Mike Shinoda ( not Eminem nor any other rapper). And I always end up admiring the tattoos Chester has got all over his body! LP songs were my first choice. I would list up all the songs and turn on the volume to full! Till mom would threaten to delete up the songs in my absence! ( the songs are my worthy possession).

 Recently I am in love with powerless, specially the chorus (It feels heavenly to listen to it) and Burn it down. LIVING THINGS is the most awesome album I have listened to till now. It shows how much versatility they can exhibit. Their music is just out of the world and there is no comparison. For my every mood, there is always a song that perfectly fits. I never got a chance to see them live but I don't miss a single channel of them on YouTube. IT IS THE BEST BAND FOR ME AND WILL REMAIN SO FOREVER!


Weep not for roads untraveled

Weep not for sights unseen

May your love never end

And if you need a friend

There's a seat here alongside me

The Funeral Of Love

 

i stare at you
as they put you down,
down to the lap of earth
the ground grew cold,
when the coffin of gold
touched the damp earth.

the wind it blew,
and it blew so hard
with all the strength it could muster
the clouds, they roared with so much force
causing a deafening thunder.

i stood there still,
being washed by rain
the pain, i could not bear
but ur coffin of gold,
stood out so bold
in the darkness, that made everything unclear.

the wish to depart,
was a confusing one
my soul - in pieces it was shattered
i hung my head, for my love was dead
as for me, you were everything that mattered.

then the thunder struck,
an i collapsed
unconscious to the ground
i was lying dead, by your death bed
heavy silence all around

next day, they stared
as they put someone down
someone who was covered in flowers
it was me this time,
who lay beside your grave
the painful errand finally over.



well that was a poem by me.. i know its not good but all the suggestions are welcomed :)
tilll den cya :D

well its me - _^

Well i dont know why i wrote this blog.. maybe it was just of curiosity or maybe coz i express myself better by writing.. { which i totally mess up when i am talking :p}

Here are some of the basic info about me...


NAME: Varnali Acharya ( as you all already know)


AGE: right now i'm 16 , but we all grow up na.. ;)


HEIGHT: a lil more than 5'5


ZODIAC: Tauras { 3:) }


QUALIFICATIONS: i'm a student right now but its appropriate if i call myself a learner..


FAVOURITES: music  guitars  rainbows  facebook taylorswift  friends  family       streetdancing  nailpaints  winter  youtube  biology  fairies messi and linkinpark


well thats all about me :)
cya den...